xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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