Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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