Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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