you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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