he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize