I wish I only lived at night.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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