Umm I'm too high to move.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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