ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
