Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize