it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
