i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
