Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
