hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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