yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
