This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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