I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
