So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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