Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
