I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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