Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
