White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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