I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize