We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
