there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize