i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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