dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Randomize
