If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
