Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
