my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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