i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
