all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize