i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
