its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
