drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
