Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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