I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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