you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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