It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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