Well apparently he's into motor boating.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize