hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
