How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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