so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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