my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
