Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
