I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize