i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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