Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
