Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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