so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
zippers are such a cool invention
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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