I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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