is your mom at the bar?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
