Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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