my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
