Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
