I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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