Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
When did angry sex become our thing?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
