I cockslap morals
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
