Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
just found out that she named her cat after me.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
