so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
