thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
