I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
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