you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
