She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize