I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
i've created a new STD.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
