seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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