o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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