How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Randomize
