So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
