Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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